


you fool (i have seventy alternative accounts)

by motheyes



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abandoned Pogtopia, Crack Treated Seriously, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Platonically Married Ranboo and Toby Smith | Tubbo, Prisoner Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Queerplatonic Relationships, Ranboo-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade Hears Voices (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade-centric (Video Blogging RPF), it's frankly a sin that enderchest doesn't have her own tags, you fools. you cowards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29596176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motheyes/pseuds/motheyes
Summary: A collection of one-shots for the DreamSMP that I thought were too short to be their own works.Requests welcome! More info inside.
Relationships: Ranboo & Enderchest, Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	1. table of contents

**Author's Note:**

> blanket disclaimer: all of these are gonna be about the characters from the smp, not the real people.
> 
> heya! not much to say here. hope you enjoy the bullshit inside of this work.
> 
> i may take requests, so if you have anything you wanna see (aside from ships, nsfw, or irl fic), pop em in the comments. no promises i'll get around to it but... you never know :)
> 
> i asked my friends what i should title this and they said "gay little bug" and "georgenotfound". thanks guys.

1 - your friend by your side (428 words: Ranboo-centric, emotional hurt/comfort)

Ranboo has a rough time. At least he's always got Enderchest.

2 - tall, dark, and obsidian (675 words: Techno-centric, crack treated seriously)

Techno owes Dream a visit.

3 - potatoes (569 words: Ranboo-centric)

Ranboo visits Pogtopia.

4 - braid (780 words: Ranboo and Tubbo-centric, fluff)

Ranboo's hair has gotten long in the tundra, long enough that it gets in his way. Tubbo offers to braid it for him.


	2. your friend by your side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ranboo has a rough time. At least he's got Enderchest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *projects my relationship with my cat onto ranboo cutely*
> 
> listen. i just think that nothing is more calming than a cat sitting on your chest and purring so loud.

Ranboo shoves his face into his hands. There are tears burning their way down his cheeks and snot below his nose, and he feels disgusting.

Another sob shakes him, and he does his best to muffle it by biting down on his thumb, fangs digging into his skin.

There's nothing specific that's even gotten him here, curled up and crying, tucked into one corner of his newly-built bedroom. He hasn't heard Dream's voice since Bad shoved him into that hole in the center of his meeting-room table. He hasn't lost a pet or found out he did something awful.

He's just tired, and stressed, and the thought of doing his simple daily chores overwhelmed him. It's stupid; he's got so many Big Things to deal with, like the egg and Dream and Snowchester. He needs to be strong enough to handle those, and yet, here he is, reduced to a sobbing heap because he had to get out of bed and feed the dogs.

The thought of that renews his crying tenfold, his chest heaving. He buries his head in his knees, staring numbly at the floor below him. He can hear his parrots whistling in the basement below, and Ramboo baaing outside, and the cow farm's moos, and it's all too _much_.

Ranboo's so lost in all that, in the noise and his own thoughts and the burning of his tears, that he doesn't hear Enderchest's mews until she taps his leg with her paw.

"Hey, Ender," Ranboo mumbles, his voice muffled by his knees. She chirps in response, shoving her head against his side. On reflex, he lifts one of his arms from where it's wrapped around his legs to gently scratch her between the ears.

Enderchest seems to take that as an invitation; she squirms her way onto his lap, even though he's still curled into a ball. In order to make it a bit more comfortable for her, Ranboo stretches his legs out along the floor, leaning back until his head thuds against the wall. Sniffling, he scrubs the tears off of his face as Enderchest plops down into a loaf, blinking up at him slowly and purring in content. Her paws dig into Ranboo's chest a bit, but it's not uncomfortable.

He smiles wetly down at her, and he can't blink back, but he does rub his thumb along her cheek. She leans into it so hard she nearly falls off his lap, purring louder. A tired chuckle manages to push its way past the lump in Ranboo's throat.

There are still thoughts in his head that he doesn't want, and there are still horrible, horrible things past the walls of Ranboo's shack, but it's awfully hard to be sad when you've got a cat buzzing away by your side.


	3. tall, dark, and obsidian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Techno owes Dream a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's inspired by a really good piece of fanart i saw on instagram by cinderr._.muffin . thought it was funny and here we are, 700 words later!

Techno stares into the lava.

It's taken him a long, long time to get here, hours upon hours of planning and collecting resources and gathering information. It's taken his trust in both Phil and Ranboo.

But he stands here now, and soon it'll all have been worth it.

(On his first try, he hadn't even gotten past Sam's questioning. The warden had asked, "where is your current place of residence?" and Techno's hesitation was enough to get him kicked out.)

His fingers thumb over the twin fire resistance potions on his belt. Gently, like it's the biggest, most important action he's ever made, Techno lifts one, using his thumb to pop open the cork. The voices whisper as he downs it, feeling the effects kick in a second or so later.

Techno steps forward, and his vision is swallowed by burning magma.

Swimming through lava has never been something pleasant - it's slow, and even though the potion means it doesn't burn, it's still a bit too warm to be comfortable. He swims anyway, though, and he keeps on swimming until his fingers brush smooth obsidian. The voices are louder, now, like they are whenever Techno sees any action, but he wills them quiet again. They can't mess this up for him.

Techno's fingers scrabble down the obsidian until his hand suddenly bursts free into the air. With one final kick, the rest of him is through too, his hooves clacking against the floor as he lands.

Dream jolts upright from where he's sitting hunched over in the corner of the cell, staring down at something in his hands.

"Techno," he breathes, his lips cracking into a grin. He's clearly gotten his mask taken from him; Techno can see the genuine, feral victory in his eyes. "I see you've finally come to let me cash in that favor." The voices scream _NO - STOP - TECHNO NO_ in his head; he thinks a pointed _SHUT UP_ back.

Instead of responding, Techno casts his eyes around the room. It's all smooth obsidian, decorated with nothing but a chest and a cauldron in one corner. There's an empty item frame there, too; Techno glances back at Dream, noting the golden clock clenched in his fingers. That explains that.

"Well?" That celebration hasn't left Dream's eyes quite yet, but he's also shifting back and forth on his feet, clearly frustrated. "Get me out of here, 'Blade."

Techno barks a laugh. "Did you really think I was here to rescue you?"

Dream frowns. "Fucking - what else would you be doing. C'mon, we gotta go before the Warden notices anything's up."

 _he's finally got a home LUL,_ one of the louder voices says. It's funny; Techno sees fit to parrot it out loud, adding, "Sad that it took you this long though."

"Dude, what-"

Techno cuts Dream off before he can finish. "Just dropping in to say hi. See how the apartment's going. Is the rent good?" He pauses, taking in the clear irritation on Dream's face, and then he adds, "Hey, what does 'boxed like a fish mean'? The voices keep saying it, thought I'd ask."

Dream looks _angry_ , now. Techno throws his head back and laughs.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," Dream spits. "Get me out of here before I can."

With one last chuckle, Techno wipes a tear from under his eyes. "Man," he says, still smiling. "Thanks, Dream. Haven't seen anything this funny in _ages._ Anyway, I think I better get going. Left some stew cooking at home, you know how it is."

Dream yells and lunges for him over the barrier between them. Easily, Techno sidesteps him, kicking him onto the ground; one of them has been practicing every day, and the other one has been stuck in an obsidian cell. Before Dream can get up again, Techno downs the other fire resistance potion and jumps back into the lava.

Before he's fully submerged, he looks at Dream and Dream looks back.

Techno grins. "Bye! Burn in hell."

Dream's answering scream is swallowed by the bubbling of lava.


	4. potatoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ranboo visits Pogtopia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this started as just me describing pogtopia but then i threw in symbolism bc i can't help myself apparently. anyway enjoy

Pogtopia is… eerie.

The first thing Ranboo notices about it is the way his footsteps echo off the tall, stone walls, every tiny noise amplified tenfold. It wasn't as noticeable when he was down here with Techno; there were two of them, after all, and it was much easier to fill the empty space.

The second thing Ranboo notices is the buttons.

They dot the walls, a hundred different colors and shapes and sizes. Ranboo runs his hand over the wall as he picks his way down the rough stone stairs as quietly as possible. The buttons catch against his gloves - it's a Bad Texture, and he pulls his hand away almost immediately, shaking the feeling out.

He reaches the end of the staircase without even realizing, too caught up in the terrifying wonder of seeing such an old, lonely place. He trips on the last stair, and he just barely manages to catch himself before he topples to the ground, sending an echoing stomp throughout the entire ravine. Reflexively, he winces.

It's dark. (That's the third thing.) It's dark, all of the lanterns long since burned out, and Ranboo didn't think to bring a torch. 

He doesn't know why, but it feels like he's intruding on something, just by being here. Every noise he makes is louder than it should be, even with the echo. Every track he leaves in the dust and dirt on the floor feels sacrilegious.

Ranboo can’t say for certain, but he’s willing to bet Pogtopia looks exactly the same as it did on the sixteenth of November.

His fingers trace over the chests stacked on the floor of the ravine as he passes them by, catching his attention. He pauses to draw a little crown in the dust; he can barely see what he’s doing because of his night vision and the small bit of light coming from the doorway off to the side.

That’s where Ranboo goes next, wiping away his little scribble behind him. He has to duck down a bit to get through the doorway; it’s taller than a normal one, but still not quite tall enough for someone of Ranboo’s height.

His shoes land in soft dirt.

It’s a sloped farm, lit by dim redstone lamps embedded in the ceiling. Redstone is a lot hardier than coal; where the lanterns and torches that once lit up the rest of the ravine have burnt out, the lamps keep going.

The ground is completely devoid of life, even weeds; getting anything at all to grow down here must have been a struggle, with no natural light or air flow. Despite that, Ranboo’s heard enough about both Pogtopia and Techno to connect the dots; this must have been the old potato farm.

It’s just as quiet and dead as the rest of the ravine in here, but somehow, it’s different in a way that Ranboo can’t quite put his finger on. It’s warmer, and it smells of earth instead of ash, and as he sinks to the ground, it’s soft under his knees.

It’s _homelier_ , he guesses. It’s not as intimidating as the rest of Pogtopia. Even in the middle of the war, even as Wilbur planned Manburg’s total destruction, there was still hand-planted potatoes.

(Back in the tundra, just outside the cabin Ranboo’s starting to call home, there’s a farm there, too.)

Ranboo buries his fingers in the dirt and breathes.


	5. braid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ranboo's hair has gotten long in the tundra, long enough that it gets in his way. Tubbo offers to braid it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just think that them :) they're best friends your honor

Ranboo tucks his hair behind his ear, eyes skimming over the words on the book he’s reading. It’s the  _ Iliad _ , gifted to him by Techno. He’s been reading it as quickly as he can, using his little bits of free time to chip away at it; Techno seemed eager to talk to someone else about it.

His hair falls into his vision again. Ranboo huffs and shoves it back again. Now that his concentration’s broken, he realizes his back is a bit stiff too, considering how he’s slouching on the sofa. He raises his arms and leans side to side, humming as he feels his vertebrae pop into place. Tubbo’s furniture is soft and cushy, but it’s also built for someone who is several feet shorter than Ranboo.

Ranboo only gets through another page or so of his book before there are black and white strands of hair obscuring his vision yet again. Angrily, a bit more angrily than necessary, Ranboo yanks the hair back again.

“Having trouble there, big man?” Tubbo asks, shutting the front door behind him. 

Ranboo sighs. “Just a bit. Hair keeps getting in my face.”

Tubbo turns his back to Ranboo, kicking off his snow boots and tugging off his gloves simultaneously. “You wanna cut it?” he asks over his shoulder.

“Mm, nah,” Ranboo hums. “I kinda like it long. It’s just frustrating sometimes.” He’s used to short, short hair. As far as he knows, this is the longest it’s ever been, and that’s solely because he kept forgetting to cut it what with all the mayhem on the server. He really does like it, though; once it got past a couple of those awkward in-between stages where it was too short to tie up and too long to style, it’s been nice. He likes how it fluffs out around his neck and drapes over his shoulders.

It just keeps falling in his face, is all.

Tubbo finally sheds his thick winter coat - without it, he’s somehow twice as small as he was with it on. He peers at Ranboo, careful to avoid direct eye contact as always. “I know how to braid, if you want,” he offers.

That… sounds nice, actually. Ranboo says as much, and Tubbo grins.

“Okay, lie down then, big man,” he says. “Can’t reach your tall ass head if you’re sitting up like that.”

“It’s not my fault you’re short!” Ranboo protests, but he lies down nonetheless, propping his head up on the couch’s shoulder rest and letting his legs dangle off the side.

Tubbo pouts as he disappears from Ranboo’s vision, and then a second later, there are cold fingers in his hair. Ranboo quite literally hisses at the temperature, and in return, Tubbo presses his entire palm against Ranboo’s scalp as he giggles.

Tubbo’s hands warm up quick, though, and after that he’s gentle as his fingers tug at Ranboo’s hair. Ranboo opens the  _ Iliad _ again, propping it up on his chest. They’re quiet for a few minutes; Tubbo threads his fingers through Ranboo’s hair as he reads.

“You’re humming,” Tubbo says abruptly, and Ranboo starts as he realizes that his chest is indeed thrumming with his two-toned voice. He hadn’t even noticed.

“Oh, sorry.”

Tubbo hums - not like Ranboo, not in the way endermen hum, but like a human does. “Nah, I don’t mind. It’s cute.” Ranboo can hear the shit-eating grin on his face. 

“Okay,” he says, reaching up to gently whack at where he thinks Tubbo is. His husband cackles, jumping out of range. 

“Ranboo, no!” he pleads. Ranboo looks at him, his eyebrow raised. Tubbo laughs. “No, c’mon, I’ll stop.”

“If you say so,” Ranboo sighs, settling back down into his seat with a smile. Tubbo creeps back over.

“Ugh, I gotta redo a section of this,” he pouts.

“Perish.”

Tubbo mock-gasps at that. “Ranboo-my-beloved,” how does he make that sound like one word? “Ranboo-my-beloved, you are so mean to me.”

Ranboo just laughs at him.

They settle back down. Ranboo gets through a couple more pages before Tubbo pats him on the head again, this time with marginally warmer hands - he still has shit circulation.

“All done, big guy.”

Ranboo notes the page he’s on - 236 - and closes the book, heaving himself up off the couch. They don’t have any full sized mirrors around the house, but Tubbo passes him a pocket-sized one, and Ranboo inspects his hair. The braid is loose and neat, hanging directly down the center of his back. The black and white of his hair cross over each other in a sort of checkered pattern.

It looks nice.

“You like it?” Tubbo asks. 

Ranboo smiles down at him. “Yeah.”


End file.
